I am Ayak. I’m a professional songwriter/Singer & have been making music for as long as I can remember. I have been super lucky enough to get to do what I love for a living, travel the world & meet lots of diverse & talented humans in the process.
As glamorous as people think it is, making music can become all-encompassing. You dream it. You love it.You live it.
I find at times its like writing a journal that everyone gets to hear (If you’re lucky).
I was one of those kids that studied the writer/producer credits on CD’s & Vinyl & always imagined my name alongside my favourite artists. I spent hours daydreaming & practicing in front of the mirror. Music really was my passion! I think you’d have to be crazy to spend years traveling to shows & numerous hours in the studio without being passionate about it. So scan forward to actually having achieved at least some of my dreams. I was busy & I was happy.
Everything changed in 2014!
Everything changed in 2014, I had just had a #2 Single in the UK charts but within the next 6 months I experienced two huge loss’. The death of my first cousin Anai Bol & the passing of my dear friend Audrey Beckford. Prior to that, I hadn’t really felt grief on such a profound level. The kind that wraps you up like a burrito, leaving you unable to move. From the outside it can look like you’re holding it together, when on the inside it’s a squishy mess of emotion & sadness.
They say grief comes in waves & it’s really true. One minute you’re ok then the next you’re wailing almost unaware the person creating this sound is you. It’s not funny, but once I actually embarrassed myself into stopping crying. I was sobbing so loudly I had to ask myself “WTF was that noise?”
At the time I didn’t even realise I wasn’t coping. I tried to throw myself into music, but I didn’t feel motivated, & since that was what I’d always done in turbulent times, I was horrified to find out that music wouldn’t be my saviour this time. This was when the music stopped.
HEART UNDER CONSTRUCTION
In the silence I found myself being defined by what it was I did & was finding it increasingly difficult to define who I was. So I went to the jungle in Peru for a while, with on of my best friends (I’ll tell you about that adventure later), thus began the heart repair.
I think for a long time I was embarrassed to say I was going through depression, especially since society, as well as the business I’m in congratulates the appearance of perfect. Or at the very least they cheer faking the image of having it all together, but I was in denial. I was falling apart, silently.
Going from being a goal oriented, happy & sociable soul. To completely isolating myself & feeling nothing, was truly one of the scariest times of my life. The worst part was not knowing whether things would get back to normal, or if this was my new normal.
In hindsight I’ve learned that depression is nothing to be ashamed of. You can often feel that way going through it, but the only way out is to talk about whats sitting on your soul.
…..Let a little light in
My wonder women : I found talking to my friends/people I trust a super important part of getting through depression.
Slowly but surely the music has come back but I’m acutely aware of the burrito hold. However I couldn’t have done it without self-care & family & friends. I’ve made it a point to communicate with people I love & trust. Luckily I have four wonder women in my life to talk to. (My mum, whom in my eyes is an all round super hero. My manager & two best friends, a psychotherapist called ‘the activator’: with whom I totally connected with through a similar sense of humor & outlook on life & a business owner/warrior/ sister I went to high school with).
As scary as it may seem, It’s so important to share your experiences with someone. Without sounding condecending, I really appreciate this now more that ever having come through the other side, & after a lot of fear & soul-searching I decided to start this blog to document & remind myself of the things I love & to open the curtain & let a little light in
If you are going through something, please remember to try & let a little light in.
A x 💋
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